June 19
How do you define happiness?
Dana
Tag: #reverbbroads2012
Playing hooky with my friends
3 #ReverbBroad posts for the price of one!
June 11
If you were to play hooky from work today, what would you do instead?
Krissy
I would actually need at least four days to play hooky. One day to drive to New Jersey to pick up my sisters (my first best friends). Two days to spend at the beach, while “down the shore.” One day to drive back to reality.
While at the beach, I would sleep, read, and eat myself into oblivion. After a day of “sunbathing” (with full-on sunscreen and a huge hat, because now I know better!), we would eat seafood and drink ice-cold beer. Then, we would stroll up and down the boardwalk. I would not care that the sea air was making my hair too curly. I would eat a Kohr Brother’s orange & vanilla soft-serve custard, on a cake cone with rainbow sprinkles. I would fall asleep with a smile on my face, while the ocean lulled me into a deep, dreamless sleep.
June 15
Who was your first best friend?
Kristen
I always struggle with questions that force me to quantify or label things. First, best, favorite…I am not a fan of absolutes. But, this absolute question was actually easy. I am fortunate to have two amazing younger sisters whom I also count on as my best friends. It was not always this way, I am sure. Of course we fought, and teased, and were mean. That is what sisters do. But, under all of that sibling stuff, there has always been genuine love and affection for each other. We have always cheered for one another. We have supported each other through break-ups (“Of course he is a jerk! Let’s burn all the stuff he ever gave you!” True story.) We stood up for each other at weddings (nice bridesmaids’ dresses) and have consoled and counseled each other through motherhood, breastfeeding, work-life negotiation, and suburbia. My mother was right, “there is nothing like a sister.”
June 17
What three things do you want more of in your life? What three things do you want less of?
Krissy
More
1. Friends. I had no idea that this time in my life would be so isolating. I have friends. My sisters. A few from high school. A few from college. One from graduate school. One from my year as a Holy Cross Associate (Americorps Volunteer). One from my first job. But, all of these people are far away. Across the country far away. I am slowly meeting people at work and at my sons’ school. But, I would not necessarily call these current people friends. I have a lot of acquaintances. I have a lot of women in loose circles whom I respect and admire. I have a lot of people that I would really like to get to know better. I have a mentor (thank GOD for her!). But right now, I would really love a soul-sister. A fellow girlfriend I can go walking with, get my nails done with, have drinks with, call up and vent about my day with. This type of friendship is hard to come by and takes time to nurture and develop.
2. Exercise. The mental and physical benefits of this are self-explanatory.
3. Organization/Motivation. Confession: I am not exactly sure what I am doing with my time these days. I feel busy all the time. Distracted. Yet, very little seems to be getting done. There is always laundry to fold, dishes to wash, toilets to scrub, a garden (first one ever) to weed and water, maternity clothes to donate, on and on and on. I don’t want to fall into whining (too late?) so I will stop here. I would love to be organized and motivated.
Less
1. Childhood cancer.
2. Childhood cancer.
3. Childhood cancer.
Finding a partner you can move on “with,” not from
June 12
What was the best decision you ever made?
Niki
The best decision I ever made was to have a “relationship defining talk” with a co-worker whom I thought I was starting to have feelings for.
I had no idea that when I took my first “real” student affairs job in 1999 that it would lead me to my best friend. I had never even heard of Hope College or Holland, MI. Heck, back then, I am not really sure I could have correctly placed Michigan on a map. But, I got heavily recruited at a professional conference, interviewed, got the job, etc. etc. Second year into the position, one of my co-workers and my only friend in the entire state of Michigan leaves me! Her leaving set the process in motion to hire another hall director. We interview a bunch of candidates and Sean is one of them. The only thing I remember about his interview was that he had a lot of experience and nice eyes.
We spent almost every day together the first weeks of the semester. RA training, meetings, fire drills, crappy cafeteria food (breakfast, lunch, and dinner), meetings, meetings. You really get to know someone pretty well when you are in all those meetings! Sean is also Catholic, so we went to church together and bonded over being the only Catholic people in tall, white, blonde, Reformed, Dutch, West Michigan.
One weekend I went away to see my sister play soccer. The whole drive back to Holland, I thought about how I needed and wanted to talk to Sean to tell him about it and to tell him I was back safe. Call him up. He was waiting for me to call, too. Huh. We work together. We work together all the time at a really small conservative institution. Huh.
One week later we are driving to a mall (I don’t even remember what for) and I tell him that I think we are flirting with each other. That I think I like him. That I think he likes me, too. But also that I don’t want to read into anything. He turns to me and says, “I like you. Read into that.” Best relationship defining talk ever.
10.5 years later we are still together and have faced some challenging times (see next answer below). There is no one else I want to walk with along the way.
June 10
What was your hardest parenting or partner moment?
Dana
When I first read this, I honestly thought that my answer would be our son’s cancer diagnosis. Devastating. Crushing. Life-altering. However, that has not been the hardest part. For me, the hardest part has been the “moving on” into the world of cancer survivorship and the “off-treatment” life.
Our son is a cancer survivor.
Or, our son is a CANCER survivor.
Or, our son is a cancer SURVIVOR.
The moving-on has been harder than I thought. For me, the off-treatment life has been a constant negotiation of vigilance and paranoia; and whichever one I choose depends on the day. A cough is not a cough. When my son gets a fever or a stomachache, I panic and I must choke the waves back down or I will drown. Sometimes I feel like there is too much cancer in my life. Sometimes I have bouts of “survivor guilt” because our son made it and so many others do not. Other days, I am madder than hell and I don’t feel guilty at all because every child diagnosed should have the chance to survive.
My husband is kind, patient, hard-working, funny, passionate, devoted, loyal, and an optimist. I am some of those things and a slightly pessimistic realist. His focus is truly on the moving on. He believes and acts as if you can move on without forgetting. I know he is right. I know that I can have our experience with the C word shape and mold me, but not define me. I just don’t know how or where to go. Yet.
Must haves: Outdoor showers, porches, and patios
June 8
What are your favorite decorative items/pieces of furniture/household features?
Kristen
As I mentioned before, I grew up going “to the shore” for our annual summer vacation. Two glorious weeks in Sea Isle City, NJ. It really was the most innocent time in my life. During the day, my siblings and I would swim in the salty goodness of the ocean, feed (or get attacked by) seagulls, build drip castles (mine were best!), and eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches which always managed to have sand in them, too.When we tired of the beach, we would attach playing cards to the spokes of our bikes with clothespins and ride all over the island in search of penny candy or soft-serve. At night, our family would go out to dinner or drive up the island to the boardwalk in Ocean City, NJ.
Part of the getting ready ritual always involved an outdoor shower. I looked for pictures of some on-line. This one is the closest I could get. All of the houses we rented had an outdoor shower. None of them were this nice! Picture more rickety wood, chipping white paint, and pure vacation perfection. Blue sky above you, salt air, the roar of the waves in the background, and your favorite shampoo all mingling together.
The best part of the outdoor shower was taking one at night. Replace the blue sky with stars…ahhhhh! Now that I am older, I think all future outdoor showers will involve cold beer or red wine to complete the sensory experience.
I live in Michigan now. While there is no ocean here, we do have a pretty big lake that has just as much to offer, minus the salt. My new favorite place is Pentwater, MI. It is a small, lake town with a quaint main street, no chain restaurants, lots of bikes, and places to make memories with your family. Through the very generous help of some family friends, my husband and I recently purchased a rental cottage business in Pentwater. Check out Hilltop Cottage here!
When our son was in treatment, we could not go anywhere or do anything. Ever. The summer of 2010 marked the beginning of us reclaiming our new life. We did everything that summer that we couldn’t do during treatment, including swimming in that gorgeous Lake! That summer, we discovered Pentwater. The goal in purchasing this home is to give families who are just coming off childhood cancer treatment a week’s vacation at the lake.
The best parts of Hilltop Cottage are the front porch and screened in patio on the side of the house. There are comfortable chairs for rocking, speakers for the tunes, and hopefully, lots of family and friends for conversation and laughs.
I will always be within driving distance of water! It is good for my soul.
Self-preservation!
#ReverbBroads2012 prompt from June 7
List 8 reasons it’s okay to lie.
Katrina
1. If it preserves my personal parenting sanity. Example: Oldest is playing with whistle that sounds like a high-pitched train horn AND it lights up. I say, “that is an outside toy.” What I really mean is, “for the love of all that is good and holy get that thing away from me or I am going to lose it!” BTW, still trying to find the person who decided that said whistle was a good idea.
2. If it buys me decision-making time. Example: Boys are fighting. I only heard half the story. Child one approaches me and whines (we all know how I feel about whining!). I re-direct him to sibling. “Talk to him about it!” Truth: I have no idea what happened, or what to do about it.
3. If it keeps my children from worrying. Example: one Christmas, our little family of 4 was almost stranded in a flash blizzard on the Ohio turnpike. We were driving along just fine. The snow falling was actually quite pretty. We had to slow down, but nothing too drastic. Then, bam! Wind whipping, snow swirling everywhere, no cell phone signal, can’t see the car in front of you, white-knuckle driving. We pulled off at the next exit, which thankfully had some motels, one of which had a room and all you can eat breakfast! Boys half sleeping/half awake, in jammies and winter coats in the backseat asking, “Why are we pulling over, Daddy?” Answer: “We’re really tired and it is dark, so we are going to sleep here tonight.” Truth? “I am absolutely terrified that we are going to end up in a snow bank, so we’re getting out of here!” See? Why make them worry?
4. If it keeps my children safe from strangers, danger, or fear. Nuff said.
5. If it prolongs my children’s innocence. Our oldest is 6.5 years old. He turned 6.5Â yesterday. When you are that little, that extra half is a big deal! Pretty soon he will no longer believe in Santa, the tooth fairy, etc. etc. The day of discovery is coming like a freight train and it makes me sad. As soon as he figures it out, little brother (now 4) will inevitably learn the truth,too. That’s what older brothers do, right? I remember my older brother showing me the stash in my mother’s shower. Why rob them of the innocence? Why steal the mystery, the anticipation? They will figure it out soon enough.
6. If my answer (the lie) saves me from entering into the Mommy Wars, again. In my experience, when other mothers ask questions about breastfeeding, naps, sleep training, solid foods, school, summer vacations, sports, blah blah…..they don’t really want my real opinion. I know I don’t when I ask. They want my support. So I give it. “Yes! Totally normal!” “Oooh, great idea!” They want to be reassured that they are not totally crazy (not totally, just partially like the rest of us) and that they are doing right by their children (They are. We all are.) Lying? Yep. Deceitful with intention to harm? Never.
7. If my answer helps me save face with colleagues and supervisors. Example: “Yes, I read that message. My response is in my email draft folder!” Truth: make short-hand note to self on meeting agenda, scurry back to office, find said note, decipher it’s meaning, read aforementioned email message, reply all with smiley face at end. Wipe sweat from brow. This answer is very un-professional and very un-student affairs-like. But I don’t care (lie).
8. I can’t possibly think of another reason. Actually, this is true. I am drawing a complete blank. I am sure that I will come up with more after I publish this post and read all of the other witty, insightful, and honest Broads’ stuff!
Summer “recipes”
#ReverbBroads prompt from June 6
Share a recipe or meal that is a summertime favorite. (Bonus: Pick someone else’s recipe or meal and make it, then blog about your results later on this month).
Amy
I don’t cook. I can. I know how. I kept myself alive for quite some time! Go me! I just don’t enjoy it. I am the baker in our house. Need a special occasion plate of brownies, chocolate chip cookie bars, or pineapple stuffing? I’m your girl. In our house, my husband is the chef. He plans all meals, does all the grocery shopping, and then executes. I clean up after. And, we both think that we got the best part of the deal!
I am sharing three of our family’s favorite snacks. Caveat: We have virtually no white flour, sugar, or processed foods in our house. We eat very simple things (organic and local wherever possible and affordable) and have one sugary treat a week. Happy “cooking!”
Real popcorn– Buy jar of whole kernels and some popcorn cooking oil. We use generic equivalent of Redenbacher’s. Heat 1/4 cup oil in saucepan & place one kernel inside. Cover partially. When kernel pops, put more kernels in pan, covering bottom. Cover pan. Move pan vigorously over heat to avoid burning kernels and to make sure all of them pop.We use a pan that has a clear lid so you can see the popcorn going. When done popping, coat popcorn with coarse sea salt. Sea salt tastes way better than regular table salt. Best enjoyed with beer! Our summer favorite is Oberon by Bells’ Brewery. (Pre-packaged microwave popcorn is full of chemicals.)
Fire-pit roasted apples– We have no grass in our backyard, so it’s the perfect spot for a home-made fire-pit! Need 4 large apples. We use organic Granny Smith or Gala apples. Core the apple. Stuff core with butter, cinnamon, and organic agave nectar (low glycemic index sugar substitute). Wrap tightly with non-stick aluminum foil. Place directly in fire-pit. Cook for approximately 15 minutes, turning often. Note: Granny Smiths take longer & need to be turned frequently. Remove from fire. Let sit for a few minutes. Unwrap apple and then place in bowl. It’s apple pie without the sugar and the crust! For real foodies: Serve with vanilla ice cream!
This is the agave nectar that we use. This bottle lasts our family of 4 about 4 weeks. A little goes a LONG way.
Yogurt Parfaits– Plain, non-fat yogurt, Smucker’s spreadable fruit (way less sugar than regular jelly and tastes better!), fresh fruit slices, and granola. Mix the yogurt with a little agave nectar. You can also add vanilla and/or cinnamon to taste. Layer a glass with yogurt, then about 2 tablespoons of spreadable fruit, sliced fruit (strawberries, bananas, and raspberries work great), and granola. Layer until glass is about 3/4 full. End with granola. Garnish with a strawberry and sprig of mint. (Yogurt, while it has some good calcium, is also full of processed sugar. Read the label. Some yogurt has as many grams of sugar as a candy bar! Yikes!)
Happy snacking!
No whining allowed
#ReverbBroads2012 Prompt Day #5: Come up with a new Constitutional Amendment (yep, I am breaking the “rules” and skipping around! Thanks, Brenda!)
I hereby decree that the next amendment to the Constitution of these amazing United States should be: If you whine about it, volunteer to change it
Definition of whining: to complain about in a feeble or petulant way.
That pretty much covers it. We all whine. We all vent our frustrations. It is human. We see an injustice or something doesn’t go our way at work and we shout from the Facebook, blog, Twitter rooftops: “Hey, I was wronged! ” Or, we don’t like the way an event or program has been planned and we chime in with snarky comments after everything has been done. We have all been there. Heck, sometimes we have even been that person. The angry staff member or committee member who did not jump on board when the opportunity for involvement was offered at the outset, suddenly sweeps in at the last minute to offer advice, with a smirk and barely veiled disdain. “Well, I wouldn’t have done it that way.” Then, crosses his/her arms and continues to pout until the meeting is over. Yep, pretty petulant.
I know myself quite well. I have a big mouth. I whine. I vent. A lot. Sometimes it can take me a few days (okay, with some stuff it is weeks!) to pull myself out of my self-indulgent slump. But, I always do. After I am done whining, I move into action mode. I open my big mouth and I volunteer myself to help. I speak up with suggested improvements and changes. This is how I came to be an RA, Orientation Leader, writer for the student newspaper, AmeriCorps volunteer, student affairs professional, committee member, conference planing committee member, MBTI certified, non-profit volunteer, bald Momma….
And therein lies my suggested amendment. If you whine about it, volunteer to change it.
Don’t like the music program at your kids’ school? Volunteer to be on the curriculum committee or PTO.
Wish you had a more flexible schedule? Talk to your supervisor.
Don’t like the lack of female representation on a university committee? Get on the committee.
Frustrated with your Congressperson? Write a letter. Make a phone call. Take your cause to the web. Twitter is quite powerful.
Do not be a petulant child who chimes in from the cheap seats after the fact. Whining is not helpful to the cause. It creates unnecessary drama, is disrespectful of the people who have actually devoted their time and talents to the cause, and it hurts morale. Whining is inevitably about the whiner. Usually the whiner is hurt, or angry, or unhappy with themselves about something. Don’t engage it. Push back and encourage involvement.
Just. do. something. Anything.
But no whining!
Tarantulas, Sharks, Monkeys, and….Relapse
#ReverbBroads2012 Prompt for Day 2: What gives you nightmares?
In general, I am not afraid of spiders. I don’t like them, but I am also not the type to stand on top of the toilet seat or dining room table while some man comes in to rescue me from a daddy long legs. I just wad up a bunch of TP and attack it. Then, flush it away and moving on. However, tarantulas are in an entirely different category. Just the thought of one gives me goosebumps and makes me feel nauseous (nauseated?). I lived in the desert in AZ for a year and the entire time I was there I was irrationally afraid that a tarantula would make its way into our house. I think most of this fear stems from that episode of The Brady Bunch, when they all go to Hawaii, and a tarantula ends up on Peter’s face. Anyone who grew up in the late 70s/early 80s knows exactly what I am talking about. Creepy! I think it’s the hair. On the tarantula, not Peter 😉
I grew up in NJ. Our vacation every summer was two weeks at “the shore.” (For those uninformed, this is the real Jersey Shore, not that trashy MTV show that ruined it for all of us Jerseyans and forever tainted the rest of the world.) I have also seen the movie Jaws. So, there you go. Pretty natural fear of sharks. Although I am an excellent swimmer, I never ventured too far out into the ocean. Why risk it? Interesting side note, my husband is obsessed with the Discovery Channel’s “Shark Week.” Stays up until 2 or 3am because he.cannot.turn.away. Then he has nightmares for a week and I get to hear all about them. And then I have nightmares.
I think monkeys are creepy. I love chimpanzees and find gorillas fascinating. But monkeys creep me out. I think it is the annoying oooohhhh-ahhhhhh sound they make. Ugh. Cannot stand it. You know that scene in Toy Story 3 when they tape up the monkey so they can escape from day care? Sets my teeth on edge. Blah! I have to cover my ears when we watch it.
I hesitate to write this next part. I am trying hard to have less cancer and more hope in my life. I am trying not to make every single post about our family’s journey with childhood cancer. But, me being the rule-follower that I am, I feel I must really answer the question.
What gives me nightmares?
That my son’s cancer will relapse and he will die.
Our older son is a cancer survivor. This is a miracle. He is a miracle. He is a fighter. He is a survivor. He was stage 4, with a very aggressive diagnosis (Rhabdomyosarcoma).
It is hard to release these words to the universe. As if somehow saying them out loud might make them true. Silly. Irrational. Even saying that makes me sound crazy. I know this. But once your life has been touched by cancer, everything takes on new meaning, both good and bad. And, you don’t go back to your old life or your old self, because neither of them exist. While my son is two years off treatment and has been cancer free since October 2009, the fear of relapse is an absolute terror that I keep at bay every day. It is a dark shadow that creeps into my room and my dreams at night. When I kiss him goodnight, my heart stops. I bury my face deep into his neck and I inhale. I am trying to memorize his smell. I rub my hand all over his head, which thankfully now has hair. I put my hand over his heart and try to match its rhythm to my own. I kiss his cheek, rub his back. And I thank God that I have been given another day with him.
At night, I have dreams of him running across fields of sunflowers, flying kites on the beach with his brother and grandpa, swimming in the ocean with my mom, going to college, getting married. I have nightmares that all of this will be stolen from us.
I am not sure what to say next. There is no Hollywood ending to this movie. There is no bow to wrap this package. It is my life. I choose to fully live it. Nightmares and all.
With what fictional character (book, movie, TV, etc.) do you most identify? Why?
I am again trying to dip my toe into this blogging world. I have joined a group of smart, funny, sassy, and all around amazing women who are from various parts of the country and in various states of negotiating career/motherhood/womanhood. It is called Reverb Broads (#reverbbroads2012). Each day in June there will be a new blog prompt to which you respond and then share. I joined because I figured it would force me to physically sit down and write each day. I joined to connect with other women and other moms. I joined because I am hoping to get out of this little “who am I am and what do I want from my life?” funk.
I will confess that lately I have fallen into the perfectionist trap. Not sure where it is coming from or what it is about, but there it is again. So, I have tended to do nothing rather than risk writing, saying, or doing something that isn’t 100% awesome. No pressure there, Monica! My husband commented, “You do A level work or nothing at all. Sometimes, B’s are okay.” He is so right…..
But, I saw the first prompt, “With what fictional character do you most identify and why?” and I am already behind. Here it is the morning of June 2 and I am just now writing for the June 1st prompt…
I love this question. I have loved the creative and original responses that the other participants have posted. This question also sent me in to a complete tailspin. Here is why: 1. I have been through a lot of stuff the last two years (son’s diagnosis & treatment, finishing PhD, betrayal of me & my family by a friend, unemployment, new job, commuting, shaved my head, different new job, no more commute, sons in school……blah blah blah) and truthfully, I have no idea who I am, let alone what fictional character I am most like. 2. I have always struggled with definitives and absolutes like “most, always, never.” For me, these words do not exist.
Then, I started to read other people’s posts and saw that they had chosen more than one character and that many of these other writers are also trying to figure it out. So, safety in numbers. That being said, here we go. I think I am most like:
Carol Seaver from Growing Pains– smart, sometimes annoyed by those around her because she feels misunderstood, pretty in an unconventional way, trying to be noticed but not noticed at the same time. I even had the same red-rimmed glasses that covered half my face.
Monica Geller from Friends– Organized (though I am not nearly as anal), loyal, sibling, loves tradition, competitive, rough exterior but really mushy in the middle. And, not going to lie, it was awesome having a lead female character with the same name.
Leslie Knope from Parks & Rec– persistent (she never lets things go), pushes those around her to be better because she knows they can be, advocates for those who have no voice, believes that systems can help people, belongs to something bigger than herself, risk-taker. And, Amy Poehler (real person, I know), is a Boston College graduate (like me) so I am automatically drawn to any character she does.
Miranda Bailey from Grey’s Anatomy– a mother, strong, fierce, sassy, straight-shooter with good intentions, loyal, motivated, confident, gets stronger the harder the situation.
Whew! I did it! Now, on to day 2. Maybe I will get that one done before day 3!
